I have a confession to make...
I have two days left of this week, and it has NOT been a bang on plan week.
My weeks that are completely un-bang on plan follow a certain pattern. I am all fine, then Saturday night hits, I go over points, and then I spend the whole rest of the week not bothering to track properly.
This is basically what has happened, and I can feel in my heart and like a lead weight in my stomach that I will probably gain again on Thursday. This is not good. 2 gains in 2 weeks becomes 3 gains in 3 weeks becomes 6 gains in 6 weeks becomes being back up to original weight just in time for 2013.
I'm so cross with myself. I'm a big believer in the fact that plenty of things taste better than skinny feels, however - nothing tastes as good as this self-hatred feels bad. (Does this make sense?) There is no food in this world that is worth the feeling of impending fear that I am going to get fat again, or even fatter.
I think I know why this has happened. Basically, by now I have obviously lost 17lb (18lb before the horrific gain) which is quite a noticeable amount of weight to have lost. In early September I was getting inundated with compliments about my weight loss (not trying to big myself up, honest, just saying the facts!) and it felt great. It was motivating and brilliant.
But then people don't keep commenting on it and you start to get the feeling: well, I'm not fat now. I'm a healthy weight. I can fit into the clothes I was wearing when I met my boyfriend, I can walk down the street feeling reasonably confident that people aren't thinking in their heads that I am fat. Why can't I just eat what I want? Do I really need to keep going? Don't get me wrong, despite wavering from the plan itself I have NEVER wavered from Weight Watchers as a whole and buying into the concept, but selfconsciously I started to think: I don't really have to weigh EVERYTHING, do I. I can snack a bit when I get home from work. Why do I have to live like some kind of fascist?
And it's a slippery slope. In some ways I think I'm more likely to overeat post-Weight Watchers than before Weight Watchers. My whole relationship with food has become distorted. I can't even imagine not thinking very much about food and just eating when I'm hungry any more. MY WHOLE LIFE is spent considering what my next meal is going to be. I already know what I am going to eat every meal for the next week. On Wednesday I am going to someone else's for dinner and the fact I don't know what I'm going to eat there is making me unnaturally stressed out.
Anyway, I am thinking maybe if I write a pledge online I am more likely to stick to it. SO HERE WE GO. I am going on holiday on Sunday and this is my pledge.
1. Every day until my holiday (Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday) I will stick to 26 PP a day and point EVERYTHING that I eat (or at least guesstimate for the case of when I'm eating at someone else's house, but that's only once.) I will track everything before I eat it and will not allow myself to eat something if it is not on my tracker.
2. I will exercise at least a little bit every day I have time on every day until my holiday. I will not kid myself regarding ' having time' - if I am home an hour before I have to go to bed, I have enough time to do some exercise.
3. I'll stop buying trigger foods - literally asking for trouble.
4. I will weigh EVERYTHING and point it properly.
5. Obviously I'll do my proper weigh in on Thursday but I will also do a special 'pre-holiday' weigh in on Sunday morning, and another 'post-holiday' one on the Monday I get back, so I can accurately assess how much weight I gained on holiday. I will not weigh myself at any other times (again this is asking for trouble.)
6. On holiday I will chill regarding food and eat what I fancy but I will make one rule and one rule alone: I will only eat if I am hungry and will not continue to stuff my face if I am full.
WISH ME LUCK.